My Birthing Story

My baby was born by emergency c section. A surprisingly calm experience but the one that left me feeling disappointed. I had prepared well for labor using relaxing techniques, early morning walks, healthy eating and lots of reading. But still the most important thing is that  Aj is safe and healthy.

So here it is. It was March 12, 2015 if I’m not mistaken when Bryan and I went to my Ob-gyne for my weekly check up and yes it’s my birthing month at that time. By that day I never thought that I’ll be admitted that soon!! Because the thing in my mind was that Bryan just got home  from Texas the other day  and for me there’s so many things to get that ready though,and  not to mention we just moved into a new place. Another thing also it was our monthsary, so the day was planned. We’ll be going to Bryan’s cousin for a lunch and go to my doctor for a visit and Bryan will have his haircut done and afterwards maybe a short walk around the city. But all of the sudden our plans were change after we went to my doctor, by that time she said I am 3cm dilated and I need to be admitted that day. Bryan then decided to go home early even though I don’t want to because I wanted his haircut done. But he’s so anxious and excited that he really wanted to go home and prepare all the things. But in my mind — “I DON’T Wanna BE ADMITTED!’’. Im not having any pain or anything plus I wanted to watch my fave tv series “forevermore’’. But unfortunately Bryan and my mom are so anxious that they wanted me to get ready. So I was admitted at Mercy hospital on that day at 6pm.

To make the story a lil bit shorter:

I was induced for 2 days. On my first night of being induced I thought I am going to gave birth because I am already feeling a lot of pain during contractions. My mom was so worried and she keep on asking me if Im okay or if I wanted to push already. Bryan keeps on asking if I wanted a back rub and he was so bothered and worried because I keep on moving alot without saying anything. I let him rub my back but still the paiwas still there . After a couple of hours the pain was gone and I had a good sleep. By the morning the nurse said I was 4-5cm. And the doctor visited me in my room in the morning and she ordered for another increased dose of oxytocin. All day I was walking around the hospital. Many of our family and friends visited me thinking that I already gave birth. The next day on 12 noon the nurse checked me and they said I was still 5 cm despite of the increased dose of oxytocin. The doctor went by and she checked my baby’s FHT. I was monitored lying on my back for an hour in the delivery room. While the monitor was attached contractions started and as far as I can remember it was the most painful contraction Ive ever experienced. And it was so hard because I am alone in the delivery room and I was hesitant to call the doctor and the nurse. I wanted to call Bryan but I forget my phone in our room. I wanted to scream because it was so painful and it felt like my baby was having a ramble inside my tummy. I can still remember how it hurts, my legs were shaking, my ribs feels like being ripped apart and I just can’t described how scruciting my spine was. After a couple minutes of contractions the doctor IE’ed me and she said I was 5-6cm. She was bothered a little why my contractions was so slow despite of the oxy given, but I said to her that Im in pain already and I need to get up and walk to ease the pain so she let me back to my room and advised me to walk. All afternoon I did was squat walk, squat walk around the hospital just to progress my labor fast. For several hours I was in pain ( a lot as in a lot) and I don’t want anyone talking to me. And unfortunately Bryan’s friends came for a visit and I did not entertain them. I leave them inside the room with Bryan, I continue my exercise around the hospital not being accompanied by Bryan because I was so angry with him by that time because he let his friends stay a long time. After an hour they leave and still I am angry to Bryan and I did not eat my dinner and I did not talk to him. At 7pm the doctor visited me and checked my dilation. She was so worried why Im still 5cm and she’s so worried for baby. So she ordered for an emergency CS, just in time I didn’t eat my dinner so I am 8 hours npo and not to mention the team for my CS operation were all at the OR already. Everyone was so worried specially my mom and Bryan. But as for me I didn’t felt any fear or worries all I wanted was everything will be through already.

When I was in the O.R. the circulating nurse assigned was Bryan’s friend so Im not worried But it was so ironic because the last time I was in the O.R was when I was assigned as the scrub nurse and that time I was the patient lying on the bed and about to have my first general anesthesia.

As the operation goes along, I started feeling dizzy and my body was shivering due to the anesthesia. I can hear what everyone was saying but I cannot comprehend. I was trying hard not to fall asleep because I wanted to hear my baby’s first cry. And a couple of minutes the nurse shouted ‘’12:14am baby girl’’ and afterwards I heared her first cry. March 15 2015 I heared the sweetest melody. In contrary I was worried why she cried a little and a second I knock out already. A half of hour maybe the doctor woke me up for a selfie with my baby but I was so dizzy and I can’t stop my eyes not to close. Then a sudden I woke in stretcher going to the recovery unit. I saw Bryan crying on my way out, my mom, uncle and mommy.  I was bothered why they seem so sad but as for me  —- ‘’YES! I survived! LOL’’ .

In the PACU, it was Bryan who was with me. He was so worried why I wasshivering a lot. I can still remember that the room was not cold but still I can’t control my shiver. After an hour I was transported back to my room. And everyone except Bryan went home for rest. Bryan was asleep at the couch. He was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t bother him for anything. When the morning shift nurse had their rounds I was eagerly asking them to wheeled me to the nicu for me to carry my baby already. And they said that I need to practice how to turn side to side and how to sit and stand slowly for me to be able to ambulate to the nicu. It was hard for me to practice my movement because the operated site was so painful! And it took me one day to see my baby. Good thing Bryan took photos of Aj and videoed her when he went to the nicu. And all day long I keep on playing the video and zooming Aj’s first picture. 


His Existence 

Everyday is a wonderful journey towards God… In every sec of our lives we must make the most of it.. Who knows we just had a nice conversation with Him this morning.. 🙂 coz He’s in every form of existence 🙂

So heres how i had a great morning with Him..through social media… Such an inspiring thing to read!

Totally Not Ok

i lost my bestfriend..saw him lying breathless… Not moving… And i dont want to look at him like that… But i have to.. I wanted to hug him tight! Iwanted to scream so loud for him to hear me and so he can jump right out to me ang licked my face! Its so painful! Im regreting all the days i didnt even play with him.. I didnt show him how much i love him.. Im regreting every single minute of the day that he felt so alone because im too busy with some stuffs! I am so sad right now.. Im so hurt! I cant even imagine if i will ever accept all of this!!

I miss u so much Oz! I love you so much!  


Athena Julienne 

Im so speechless.. No words can describe the moment when my ob put you on my shoulders.. Feeling you so near me for the very first time was so unexplainable! So dizzy by that time due to the anesthesia still i fought with the circumstances just to feel your presence atlast! After 9 months of in my tummy..the moment i took the pregnancy test, fighting hyperemesis for almost 4 months, our regular check ups, checklist of nutritous foods and some uncontrollable cravings, the collection pf baby bump pictures, your movements and kicks upto to this very overwhelming moment of joy that i can kiss and hug you nonstop. My babylove– athena julienne im so in love with you… I love you so much my baby!  


Love Day Soon

Here in my room with my long socks, pj and cozy oversized jacket wrapped around me while having my favorite book in my lap on this day and night rainy atmospheric condition; cold breeze of air that constantly shivers my cheeks; hearing foot steps of people rushing not to get wet and cold; yeah.. This is my kind of january looks like right now and its 27 degrees celcius outside.
Well..maybe imagining March in some kind of brown orange or maybe a bit of warm red shade in an afternoon break may strike it as breathtaking; whisper of air with twirling leaves falling; a perfect scenario with my husband and our bundle of joy; totally enjoying the day watching our favorite tv series with some yummy goodies to cram on; and this time its 35 degrees celcius outside. Such a pleasurable kind of love day. Soon 🙂 ❤

**i so much love rainy days but my upcoming summer is special!


Our Sunny Side Up Lovestory

The part wherein “girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married”  is a little too simplistic for how it should be. Well, we know most of stories complicates by its own and that’s how it spice up everything.

So here’s how I see things at first…

Early year in my college, I’ve remembered, had my breakfast alone in a fast food in a good for two table in a corner and in front of me was a happy couple eating together. I ordered the ordinary breakfast meal with one sunny side up egg. Enjoying as people passes by the window as they tag along the early morning rush and at the same thing witnessing how the two love birds romantically enjoying their meal, and just heard what the girl said to her boyfriend ” ate already the yellow part of the egg here’s the white for you, your favorite”, and the boy ate the white part of the egg. As I look at my plate, I’ve noticed I didn’t ate the yolk part and same thing with boiled eggs too, I just hate the yolk part.

By that day, I smiled and quoted it to myself ”maybe a boy who loves yolk part and me with the white part just fit the match like a perfect sunny side up egg someday”.

But then again stories complicates itself…

A couple of days, my husband reminded me the moment we had breakfast in the same fast food when we were just dating. I did remember that I wanted to give him the yolk part after I ate the white but Ive noticed in his plate that he’s finished already and a yolk part was still on his plate and then he said to me he hates the yolk part.

With the days before we became lovers, we had days that were just like tom and jerry, arguing with something but in the end we find ourselves comfortable and enjoying the conversation. In many ways, he just know what Im about to say while Im thinking it.

And by any chance, I didn’t expect to fall in love with my husband and I think he sees it the same as I do. But the cupid really hit it hard not just once or twice, I think a couple of times because I couldn’t imagine it at first.

But maybe the cupid was not that immature to look at, cause he’s just right. Everything is perfect. The timing just fit to anything.

Now, we’re married for 3 months and having our first baby, our greatest blessing from God. And with no other instances to think, we are more than that couple who matches like sunny side up egg cause we are way perfect just the way we love each other and our baby.


Its Too Dark

Been deteriorating for a couple of weeks already and seems gone for too long. Living the days  that I couldn’t eat well, and now just dreaming of vomit-free days, nights or even at dawns, days filled with friend’s laughter, or even the exciting thoughts of a beautiful baby to cuddle. Still laying down the wholeday in front of an empty wall hoping not to throw up again and again and again!My room gone wild, my color white Japanese-spitz dog turns brown. Its too difficult to look on the bright side of things now, Im so tired heaving up all those different kinds of dry crackers and ice chips all day long assuming just to make it all feel better but again– i missed the feeling of feeling it all better. Even getting myself to the toilet for the tenth time barely coudn’t do it, so having my sinkage along with me all day for 2months is such a necessity. With those continuous nausea, vomiting and hypersalivation weren’t enough! much more of the complaints.. back aches, never ending fatigue, toothache and everyday headache. Everything hurts, feeling so miserable and lonely. My body is dragging me down and everyday everything is terribly wrong! Couldn’t help myself to slide down into that rough road of isolation. As if everyday makes it all impossible to see any rosy outlook– just couldn’t find my silverling.


Lovely Morning

Sunlight that filters through the end of dawn… Whisper of sweet breeze from the outside… Love how light moves through the curtains..
You hugging me so tight… Morning kisses and iloveyous… Warm of your skin…
Your smell along the blanket… Your voice..
Such a lovely morning 🙂


Happiness with him

Happiness with that every inch of you caress me…
Happiness with the sweet taste i could smell with your breathe…
Happiness that my lips needing your kisses…
Happiness of me hungers to savor you under the covers…
And your tempting voice that lingers through my veins as i can feel the warm of you love