I think I am currently indifferent and I wanted to write this down because I’ll never be able to understand this once I am out of this state.
First off, I am being fucking ridiculous in your presence . Sometimes i can still barely control myself and there are times that I am behaving like an imbecile one. More than that – being so sensitive about what you says or those stares of yours, saying idiotic things just to stop this craziness; having trouble to both think straight and not able to control myself. Basically, it’s not that I am the one can’t lie with what I feel right now but it’s that I am morphing into this completely different person and I can’t do anything to stop this!
Well…it’s just that I cant resist not to look at you when you passes by but still I am having hard time in controlling my accessory nerve…your smile that could melt me down any moment now..your jokes that can make me laugh out loud that I could be able to explode a room…and your voice that could echo along the corridors and mute every sounds around me that the only thing i can hear is that romantic tone. I know that this is a bit of exaggeration and i really HATE IT! Well maybe I’m still lucky sometimes because my subconscious mind is helping me out here to get back on track and convincing my mind that right now i don’t have that feeling of love or whatsoever in particular.
God, I am so sad I don’t even want to continue writing this post!
I just can’t stop those thoughts from growing in my head like fungus. I am turning into that crazy girl faster than I can ever imagine. I know this most likely comes from the literal insecurity present in my state. I know how idiotic ideas coming out of this highly developed human brain of mine still my cerebral cortex wont cooperate with the thoughts that keeps on running through my head. This may all be so silly because I get all these substances released into my blood flow once I see you, but it’s sad that it makes me so vulnerable. And not so much to other people, but to you. You don’t need to do much to make some point…You stop saying “Hi” to me personally and I am so thankful that you’re doing that coz in the other side you’re helping me not to be into that much…I may not give that clear view of assessment to myself of what I’m feeling right now and also I am not expecting for any astronomical day that you will say something for me and at the same time I will not pray to God for anything that may compasses about you coz i hate complications…and yes of course all of this strange feelings i have right now will eventually collapse so there’s no need of taking such risk.
So every end of the day I just keep on saying it to myself “It will die and it is going to be alright, you will be out of my life because you’re just a crazy admiration” .